I hate mornings. I hit snooze over a period of at least half an hour from when I first wake up, and I need absolute silence - this means no radio shows, news bulletins on the TV or conversations. I can’t eat breakfast for at least an hour after getting out of bed, but I always crave a glass of smooth orange juice.
I’d say I’m a classic night owl. I have a little burst of energy later in the evening that easily sees me staying up past midnight. This is when I tend to be most creative and proactive, by sketching out ideas and getting stuff done. And when I go alarm clock-free, I naturally wake up around 9-10am.
This kind of pattern is incompatible with day-to-day working life though, and I have to be super strict in going to my bed by around 10.30pm on weeknights. Fling my insomnia into the mix and it becomes a very messy affair.
Life-long sleeping woes
It feels like I’ve always had problems with my sleeping habits, which I can trace back to my late teens.
It was most erratic when I was 23 and undertaking my postgrad in journalism down in Cardiff. I was lying awake until 4 or 5am, and dragging myself into university the next day while generally feeling like a fully functioning zombie high on sugar.
I confided in one of my tutors about my struggles. Their response? Write about it. I didn’t though, as this would have just been another thing to obsess over, so I tried to quietly get on with things, waiting for it to sort itself out.
A recurring nightmare
I can go for months without having any issues with my sleep, and then boom - it returns. I’m not just talking about the occasional night of tossing and turning. Over the past few weeks, it’s been taking me up to three hours to fall asleep. Every. Single. Night.
And it’s exhausting.
Anything and everything buzzes through my mind once I get into bed, and I can’t switch off.
Usually, I’ll replay that day and unpick how I’ve handled different activities and conversations. I’ll then recite my to do list, and create imaginary scenarios of how things will likely pan out.
I might think about what I call ‘big ticket issues’. This could be anything from relationships to finances to my future - the important stuff that tends to always churn away in my subconscious.
Other random things will pop into my head too, sometimes it’s memories that I’ve recalled throughout the course of my day, or I might ponder over a text, tweet, or Insta story I’ve seen.
Then, worst of all - I’ll focus on how much I want to fall asleep. I’ve already lost at this point, because once I start to think about falling asleep, I simply can’t. Before I know it, the clock is saying 12, then 1, then 2, then 3am and I have a matter of hours left before my alarm goes off.
Even after falling asleep, I might wake up through the night and it can take me another hour or so to drift off again. It’s relentless.
Tired of feeling tired
It’s not just the stress of falling asleep and the effects of waking up tired the next morning - it’s everything else that comes with it. For me, that’s feeling irritable, taking twice the amount of effort to concentrate, a change in appetite (which has led to weight loss on multiple occasions), and an all-consuming low mood. In other words, just call me Little Miss Grumpy and pass me a sleeping mask.
Even simple tasks become arduous. A few months ago, I got up in the morning and stepped into the shower while still wearing my underwear. I didn’t even notice until the water had soaked right through the fabric, and I felt like a first class idiot.
You’d think that, if you haven’t been sleeping properly for days on end, that you’d eventually reach a point of being so tired that you’d go to bed, hit the pillow and nod off straightaway.
Unfortunately not. When I’m at peak tiredness, I’ll sit with zero energy, struggling to even brush my teeth and get changed into my pjs. Then I’ll get cosy under my duvet and STILL lie awake in the darkness for hours. Frustrating doesn’t even cover it.
Back to the start
So what triggers my insomnia? It tends to be stress and/or feeling down. As you can imagine, I’ve been experiencing both in equal measures throughout this pandemic.
It’s hard for me to reach out and talk about this and my other worries, as I realise everyone is finding the current situation tough and dealing with their own problems. So I’ve been mulling things over on my own, which has only made my mind even more chaotic than usual, and led to my insomnia spiralling again. That’s why this newsletter is helping though, as it gives me a chance to untangle my thoughts and feelings, week by week.
The search for a remedy
After reading up on insomnia so many times, I’ve tried to make small changes to my lifestyle.
I eat my dinner around 6pm and try not to indulge in any food too close to bedtime. I don’t drink coffee at all, so thankfully, caffeine has never been an issue - however, sugar is my vice and I do need to reduce how many biscuits and marshmallows I tuck in to!
I’ve already been reducing how much time I spend on social media, and I’m now trying to avoid using gadgets later in the evening, as the light these emit are said to impact on your body’s circadian rhythm (your natural sleep-wake cycle) by suppressing the sleep-inducing hormone, melatonin.
My bedroom is dedicated to sleeping - I don’t use my laptop in there or have a TV to tempt me into watching just one more episode (more like three…) of my latest boxset binge. I also try to keep this room minimal, tidy and ‘pretty’, so it’s always the kinda space I’m happy to retreat to at night.
Warm bubble baths, dim lighting and reading can also help, to varying degrees of success. In all honesty, I really need to explore more remedies, especially relating to breathing techniques and exercise, as the latter has trailed off during lockdown, too.
Unlike the fairytale, there’s no spindle on a spinning wheel to help me blissfully drift off into a dream world, but I remain hopeful that I’ll finally break my sleeplessness spell, one day.
September 29 - October 5 mixtape
Quote of the week
This week’s quote comes from P.S. I Love You, which I watched for the second time ever over the weekend. (And yes, Gerard Butler had me in tears again!)
There’s all kind of love out there.
I think this is such an important point - we always associate love with romantic love, but actually we can find it in our friendships, hobbies, work and passions, and these can all be rewarding and joyous in their own unique way.
Series of the week
Bit late to the party with this one, but I’ve been watching I Hate Suzie on Sky Atlantic, starring Billie Piper. It tells the tumultuous story of actress Suzie Pickles and how her life unravels after her phone is hacked and nude images are leaked online. It’s such an erratic, witty and compelling watch from the outset - so get streaming!