“I’m always the girl that guys just want to be friends with.”
That’s what I once told a guy after yet another rejection, when he described me as one of his best mates.
As it happens, I have more guy friends than girl friends. That’s not to imply that all my male friends are former failed crushes…there is a sprinkling though, but I’ll let those who know me IRL speculate as to who does actually fall into this category! I’m not always on the receiving end of the ‘let’s just be friends’ conversation - I’m the instigator occasionally, too.
Believe it or not, I couldn’t even hold a conversation with a boy while at school as I was ridiculously shy. I was your super quiet, academic, spectacle-wearing girl in the corner who just got on with her work and stuck by all the rules. University changed all that though – it was my transformational, movie-like ‘coming out of my shell’ experience. And now, the tables have turned, and I find guys generally more easy-going, amusing and relatable. A quick check on my phone this morning shows that my last 4 WhatsApp conversations have all been with my male friends.
So where do dating apps fit into this story? I’ve been using dating apps on and off for more than three years now. I seem to have a flurry of dates in fairly quick succession, then I sorta stare into the void for months on end. I think – within my current spell of singledom - 7 months is the longest I’ve gone without going on any dates at all.
I tend to become disillusioned by the dating app scene, and the relentless disappointment is just too much at times.
When I do match with someone I like, it’s usually veiled in ambiguity and mixed signals. And when I start analysing their texts and behaviour, trying to suss out if they do actually like me or not - that’s usually my cue to bow out. That doesn’t stop me from hanging around for a bit though, foolishly hoping they’ll change their mind and suddenly think I’m amazing.
That hasn’t happened yet though. Sigh.
I may be pretty useless at finding love, but finding friends seems to be my forte.
I think making friends, as an adult, is almost as tricky as dating. Once you hit 30 onwards, everybody tends to be settled into established friendship circles and they’re not really that open to forming new ones. It’s not a mean playground style ‘I’m never going to be your friend’ approach – it’s much more subtle and unintentional than that. I doubt people even realise how closed off they can be. And if they’re in a relationship, they’re usually less sociable, rarely do stuff on their own, and stick to socialising with other couples instead.
I get it though. Everyone is busy, and we all have lots going on within our own little bubble. When you’re single though, you really notice the people who do, and don’t, make an effort.
So when I stumble across a guy that I like and enjoy spending time with – minus that all-important boyfriend-in-the-making spark – I try to remain friends, because every friendship counts.
Getting all Love Island-esque on you - if I make a meaningful connection with someone, I don’t think that’s something I should walk away from. Why would I turn down the opportunity to have another fun, sociable and interesting person in my life, and throw away the time I’ve already invested in getting to know them?
Sometimes, I think we wrongly take an all or nothing approach, and place too much importance on romantic relationships, when actually, friendships can be as equally enriching - and usually without all the drama!
I guess the other big question is, can a girl and a guy really just be friends? From experience, I definitely think they can. I regularly meet up with my guy friends - also single or in a relationship - for food and drinks or shopping trips, with no ulterior motive at play. And with some of these mates, there has never been any romantic undercurrents. It has been purely platonic. (Well, from my side, at least…)
Of course, if you still have feelings for a guy that originally started out as a crush but later drifted into the friend zone, this can be self-torture.
I’m also guilty of this.
One time, when I was catching up with a friend over a few gins, he started to tell me about a girl he was dating. This wasn’t the catch up I had in mind. I felt like I was slowly crumbling away inside as I swirled the ice cubes around in my drink, and focused so intently on managing my facial expressions; tilting my head and trying to look interested in what he had to say, but also wanting to block out his voice. My heart sank.
Until that conversation popped up, I thought I was okay with the situation but the realisation hit me in that moment: I wasn’t in the right headspace after all. I stuck with the friendship though, because we did get along really well, and he had been really supportive with stuff going on with me, too.
Sometimes you have to look past your current feelings.
And I’m glad to say that we’re still friends now. We would have been a total mis-match on the boyfriend/girlfriend front and I’ve finally reached that ‘what were you thinking, Alexis?’ stage (it does come, eventually, I promise!) so he can talk about other girls as much as he wants, and I’m on standby to give him my advice.
So although romance is the desired outcome of using dating apps, I think it’s worth being open to a friendship if things don’t quite ‘click’ in that way. Chances are, he might just become the friend you never knew you were missing. And before you know it, he’ll be sharing a guy’s inside perspective on all your new dating calamities and telling you how to up your flirtation game…true story!
August 11 - 18 mixtape
Tweet of the week
I shared this on Twitter last week. As someone who writes for a living, I’m paranoid about making everything I write absolutely perfect - whether it’s a tweet, WhatsApp message or email. And of course, it’s always once you’ve hit send or publish that you spot a glaring mistake. Just don’t ask me about the time I spelt confectionery wrong…on a printed flyer.
Blog of the week
North East travel blogger Stephanie Fox is on fire at the moment with her content! She’s been sharing lots of great posts on her blog - everything from a guide to the uber cool Ouseburn Valley to ideas on bottomless brunches, tapas restaurants, and bars with outdoor terraces in Newcastle, and even her top pick of travel books for your coffee table. And this is her latest - the world’s first social distanced gig in Newcastle!