Should our friends come with a best before end date?
Unlike failed romantic relationships that come to a clear-cut end, friendships rarely conclude with a last goodbye. There’s no sudden breakup. Instead, they diffuse into nothingness.
The conversations and Whatsapp messages become few and far between, and you’ll start to see Instagram stories of meals, girly catch ups and days out that, once upon a time, you would have been a part of, but now you’re missed off the invitation list. Soon, your so-called mate is just somebody you used to know, and merely another connection that fills your social media timeline.
And there lies one of the problems. Social media creates the illusion that your friendships are still in full swing. Hitting that heart-shaped button appears to say ‘hey there, we’re still friends’ but in reality, it’s not really saying that at all. We’re only gleaning the edited highlights, no different to a random stranger poring over someone’s feed. We’re not actually asking that person what’s going on in their life, behind all those polished pictures. I know I’m certainly guilty of this, and don’t always make an effort in a meaningful way.
But is a friend always a friend, even if you haven’t properly spoken to each other in a long time, besides the sporadic, sugar coated pleasantries of ‘how’s things’ twice a year? Does history make something forever?
I only have one friend from school and a handful from my time at university in Newcastle and then Cardiff, and I’d say that I formed the majority of my core friendship group during my 20s, comprising mostly of people I worked with. Apparently, researchers say this is when you’ll have the highest number of friends, ever.
As I’ve talked about before, I think it’s hard to make new friends as an adult, and in my mid-30s I joined Meetup to find new people I could socialise with. I was really lucky and met some amazing 20 and 30-somethings through this app, and now spend most of my time with this ‘new’ friendship circle.
For me, friendships are circumstantial.
If I think about who I make the most effort with - week in, week out - it’s people who share my here and now, and mirror my own lifestyle. In other words, other single folk who can meet up most weekends, try fun activities, and go on mini trips in a spontaneous, carefree fashion.
When it comes to my ‘old’ friends though, I’ve really noticed a change in the last few years, as more have tied the knot and started to have kids. Understandably, I don’t hear from this bunch as much, as they’re doing their own thing, in their own bubble with other couples and families. And in all honesty, we have less in common now, and conversations are very stilted. While I’m mulling over which bottomless brunch to book on payday, they’re checking out sensory classes for their babies. We’re just in very different places, in every sense of the word. You could say they’re my friends of good times past. The ones I’ll only hear from when there’s a big occasion or life milestone to celebrate.
As we grow up, it’s almost like we collect friends and curate our own sticker album of sorts, with each new page filled with the faces of people we’ve met from different parts of our life – school, hobbies, university, workplaces, travel, and all the other wonderful settings in between.
And some friends stick better than others.
People often talk about a spark when it comes to romance, but I think it’s the same for friendships. Sometimes you just meet someone and you ‘get’ each other, and no matter the physical distance, the petty squabbles, the silence, or the complete polarisation that occurs between both your lives - your connection endures.
These are the friends that probably know your secrets and can recount the best stories from the times you’ve shared together. I think when you really begin to open up and confide in someone, this is what transforms a friendship into something longer lasting. These are the mates you always make time for, no matter what - and there’s no expiry date.
On the flipside, when it comes to a toxic friend – you know, the ones who manage to make you feel inadequate at every turn, make everything about them, or incessantly drain the positivity from the room – there’s still a reluctance to cut them loose. I call them friends by default, and I blame nostalgia. I look too fondly on the past and don’t walk away from these sour friendships as quickly as I should.
Of course, the death of a friendship isn’t a shout out loud declaration of ‘I’m not going to be your friend anymore’. It’s much more discreet than that, almost heartbreakingly so, as sometimes months or even years will pass before I realise I’m no longer really friends with a person I shared lots of fun experiences with. And in that moment, I can feel mournful reflecting on what once was.
So, to answer my original question, we should expect that some friendships will grow with us and last many months or years, while others will peak and then drift beyond that ‘best before’ date, losing their potency and relevance.
Friendships that don’t last forever aren’t any less valuable - they’re fulfilling at the time, and more often than not, their blurry closure just signifies the onset of a new chapter. And that’s exciting, as it means we’re about to make new connections that will enrich our life even further.
To quote myself from a blog post I wrote a few years go:
“When you move on from the shared experiences and circumstances that brought you together in the first place, only true friendships will shine through.”
October 20 - 26 mixtape
Quote of the week
So this week’s quote comes from Steven Bartlett (again) - he shares lots of inspiring quotes and life advice on his feed, and they almost always resonate with me in one way or another. Well worth a follow!
Instagram of the week
I’ve become a little obsessed with houseplants in recent weeks and My Petite Garden, curated by Stacy, who dubs herself ‘the NYC plant lady’, has all the inspo you need for crafting your own gorgeous leafy utopia in even the smallest of indoor spaces.