I’ve always been the shy and introverted type.
I was that kid who, during the school holidays, would happily dream up projects and creative activities to do on my own. Whether it was creating a little book about zodiac signs, spending hours practising calligraphy, or scribbling away on my collection of velvet colouring boards.
That feeling of being content with just my own company has carried through into my adult life. I don’t seek out an endless flurry of distractions - I’ve always been able to find solace in simple things, all by myself.
When I moved into my flat a little over four years ago, however, this was a new type of solitude that I had to become acquainted with. After more than a decade of flatshares, which saw me living with friends and then young professionals I’d never met before - chalking up 12 different properties and almost 30 flatmates - I was truly on my own for the very first time.
There was nobody to say ‘hello’ to when I walked through the door after a busy day at work. Nobody to help me settle the ‘pizza or pasta tonight?’ debate. Nobody to trawl Netflix with before settling on the rom-com I first picked out 20 minutes before. Nobody to have a Friday night tipple with while all snug and cosy in my pjs. No nonsensical conversations sparked from a tweet or Instagram post. Nobody to laugh with.
It was just me.
It took a while for me to adjust, and I ended up joining an app to help me make new friends and give my social life a much-needed boost. I made a concerted effort to always have at least two things planned mid-week and then something at the weekend, whether it was after work drinks, brunch, or fun activities like a roller disco.
By getting out and about more with my friends, it made the time I did spend on my own all the more precious. And I began to fully appreciate those quiet moments - the candlelit bubble baths, the early nights in bed reading a book, or just finding time to write my blog. It was blissful and comforting; the perfect antidote to my busy social life.
But the solitude I’ve experienced during lockdown has been next level and, for me, it’s lost its serene glow. I’m not even exaggerating when I say I’ve had entire weekends where I literally haven’t opened my mouth once to use my own voice.
Sometimes, it’s just too much.
Too much little interaction. Too much silence. Too much time to think and reflect. Too much of, well, not very much at all.
I can happily be alone in small doses, but without those daily interactions in the real world to offset the time I’m by myself, it teeters into that dreaded sphere of loneliness, and that’s when things become really hard.
I get bored and irritable very easily these days. And I’m emotional a lot, and cry at the most random things on TV that would never have elicited a tear from pre-COVID Alexis.
It’s like I’m re-living the same day over and over, with nothing to really separate one from the other, besides my job.
What I’ve found is that sometimes the most daunting thing is being alone with your thoughts, dreams, emotions, and fears - all twisted together, all at once. That’s why, on some occasions, I’ll just go back to bed and sleep so that I can run away from my own mind. It’s a chance for me to check out of the nothingness.
I’m thankful for my support bubble though, but even that has a downside. I find myself feeling utterly deflated when I return home, confronted by my empty flat and surrounded by nothing more than my animal door stops and gingerbread men cookie jars that I’ve assigned names to, like Owly, Nutty and Rusty, to bring some ‘life’ into my home…even though they are just objects.
Like everyone else, I miss my friends and I’m desperate for normality. No amount of texts, tweets, Insta stories, or Zoom calls can compare to spending time with a real person.
I just hope that when things do begin to return to normal, that like my new-found appreciation for solitude a few years ago, I’ll go on to appreciate every single moment I spend with other people. That’s got to be something positive I can take away from this situation, at least.
October 13 - 19 mixtape
Quote of the week
Last Thursday, I attended a virtual Q&A with journalist and author Dolly Alderton, who was talking about her debut novel, Ghosts. She was funny, witty and so relatable - and I can’t wait to receive my copy of her book! One of her standout comments on the night was:
Hang out with people who turn your brain on.
In other words, find people who are interesting and have something to say; who will open you up to new opinions, cultures, subjects and experiences, as this will enrich your own little world.
Series of the week
My most recent binge watch at the weekend was Brave New World. I’ve read mixed reviews about the series - lots of people hate how much it deviates from Aldous Huxley’s book, but as I haven’t read it, I can’t really comment. As a standalone series I thought it was a fascinating take on a dystopian, hedonistic future where everyone belongs to everyone else, and they’re conditioned to be happy all the time. It also stars Jessica Brown Findlay aka Lady Sybil from Downton Abbey.