I enjoyed an early finish last Friday. After closing my laptop, I found myself staring at the rain drops smeared across my living room window. I could tell it was going to be a let’s-snuggle-on-the-sofa-under-a-blanket kinda afternoon.
While searching for something feel good and Christmassy to watch on Netflix, I remembered that a girl at my work, who’s based in our New York office, had recommended Dash & Lily. Some of the scenes had been filmed in her neighbourhood, so understandably she had been brimming with enthusiasm about the show. Featuring just 8 episodes, with each one around 25 minutes long - it was the perfect pick for a TV sesh.
It tells the story of a teenage boy and girl in NYC who chat to each other via a notebook. We see both Dash and Lily taking turns to write notes, sharing their love-hate relationship with Christmas, and challenging each other to a series of dares. The book goes back and forth between the pair in the lead up to Christmas Day, and this builds anticipation, as they both imagine what the other person is like in real life, based purely on what they reveal on paper. As the audience, we can't wait to see if there’s a spark when they finally come face to face.
This concept turns modern-day dating on its head by replacing texts with handwritten notes, and it got me thinking about how - whenever I start chatting to a new guy on a dating app - I, too, instantly attribute a ‘voice’ to his words and glean what I can from his messages to piece together his personality in my head.
I picture his mannerisms; how creases would crinkle around his eyes as he laughs at my lame attempts to be flirtatious, and how he’d smile - just for a moment - with his mouth softly curled up at the corners upon seeing my name pop up on his phone.
I unwittingly conjure up a version of the guy that’s everything I want him to be.
Of course, this is only going to deliver a big dollop of disappointment. That person you dream up will always be a little too perfect and more into you than they actually are. To be blunt about it - reality won’t deliver the goods.
That’s why I don’t like messaging on a dating app for too long. It’s best to meet up and see all the nuances of their personality in real life. And even on those rare occasions when Cupid graces you with an instant spark, you’ll still have to re-tune your perception of them anyway.
The false narrative doesn’t stop there though.
Even after meeting IRL, I always fall into the trap of continuing to interpret a guy’s messages my way and attribute greater meaning to whatever they do - or don’t - say.
Sometimes, it feels like I’m trying to be a super sleuth by handpicking clues that support my too good to be true theories, while blissfuly ignoring those that don’t. I do all of this without really understanding the guy’s true character or intentions.
Feelings, insecurities and past experiences will always twist and distort our ability to ‘see’ things for what they truly are.
That’s why I think we should be wary of our inner narrator.
She’s probably more of a heart over a head kinda gal, which means she’s not always going to be objective.
She overthinks words, emojis and Instagram likes.
She makes excuses on a guy’s behalf (he can read a message but still be too busy to type a response, right?).
She ignores her instincts and denies what she already knows.
She sticks around, even after she’s realised she should hit unmatch/archive/delete.
And all because she gets carried away by the narrative she constructs in her head, led astray by her desires and dreams…and fluffy rom-coms at Christmas time.
So, yeah, when you’re getting to know someone new, messages are lovely and all that, but you need to look beyond the jumbled words that people say, and focus on what their behaviour tells you instead.
That’s where you’ll find the real story.
December 1 - 7 mixtape
Quote of the week
This week’s quote comes via broadcaster Matt Johnson. I think this is so true. Being vulnerable and showing people ‘the real you’ helps us to bond and create more meaningful, lasting relationships.
Artist of the week
Anyone else a fan of Shazam? Supermarkets, shops, restaurants, bars…I’ve used the app everywhere to find out what song is playing in the background. And I happened to use it while watching Dash & Lily the other day, and discovered artist Gracie Abrams. I’ve since downloaded a bunch of her songs, which are so dreamy and fragile. Here’s the video for ‘Stay’, the ballad that features in the show. Enjoy!
Until next Monday
Alexis 💕
www.alexisforsyth.com
Catch up on my recent issues…
Getting’ real this festive season