I did that thing I always said I wouldn’t. I met a guy, got caught up in the whirlwind of dating him - and stopped writing. You could say it was the writer’s equivalent to ditching your friends in real life.
It’s not like I was spending every waking minute with him. I was still having ‘me time’, pottering around my flat, delving into my latest book haul, and sitting outdoors with my friends, snug in my puffer jacket and praying for sunshine. I even started volunteering with a fantastic charity called The Girls’ Network and joined the panel for a careers event here in Newcastle.
So I was still very much doing stuff, just for me, although I constantly felt distracted - but in a good way. Getting to know this guy and spending time with him brought a much-needed spark back into my life. He was fun to be around, interesting and opinionated, and every time we made plans to meet up, I felt like I could burst as I couldn’t wait to see him.
Part of me wishes I had continued to publish my newsletters. I could have shared glimpses into these happier moments and how the seemingly insignificant stuff, like waking up to a ‘good morning’ message every day, had made me feel all those things you feel when you meet someone new - excited, hopeful, desired, and special. Feelings that I had been craving for a long time, especially after such a painfully lonely and difficult year.
But I kept everything under wraps, just between me and him, and writing about my life was the last thing I wanted to do.
As you’ve probably gathered, things didn’t work out with this guy in the end, and I’ve found comfort in writing again. Hence today’s unannounced comeback.
I allowed myself a few days to wallow and tucked into all sorts of foodie treats.
One of the perks of working from home, I discovered, is that I can sit at my desk bleary-eyed after crying one minute and then jump on a Teams call with my colleagues the next, and nobody need ever know. It’s been a relief not having to put a face on and hide in the office loos to compose myself. I can keep my camera turned off and plod on with my work, no explanation required.
In recent days, I’ve mostly been thinking about what I did wrong and how things could have played out differently. And what we all tend to do - reading my WhatsApp messages over and over to unpick all those no-turning-back-now moments from our conversations, wishing I could unsend some of my impulsive reactions and remarks.
Once I’ve had more time to reflect on everything and tease out the positives I’ve learnt about myself from yet another failed romance, I’ll be ready to press the reset button and head back to the start.
But what is the ‘start’ and why does it feel so scary - as if I’ve already failed?
The start is about being completely on my own again, and it’s scary because the unknown lies ahead. It’s an undefined path with no guarantee that I’ll ever find what I truly want.
It’s not where I want to be. This repetitive pattern makes me feel trapped, like I’m never making any real positive strides forward in my love life.
It’s pondering over whether I’ll meet anyone again who I’ll really like and connect with, who will feel the same way about me, too. And the sheer effort that’s involved in getting to know someone new and figuring out if you’re compatible can be so overwhelming at times.
With just a few months to go until I turn 38, it feels like I’m still far behind everybody else and their string of Insta-worthy announcements and milestones.
Then there’s the prospect of using dating apps again (you knew that one was coming!) and matching with guys who don’t talk at all, waste my time and disappear, or who send inappropriate messages littered with sexual content, thinking that’s okay. (Guys, it really isn’t.)
The truth is, I don’t have the energy anymore. I’m tired of the flaky behaviour and disappointments.
I know these feelings will pass - they always do, eventually. I’ll find excitement in the idea of dating again. But not right now.
With the world opening up again, it feels like there’s a colossal restart in motion, not just for me but for everybody, and life post-lockdown appears brighter and more optimistic.
I’m finally getting my hair cut next weekend for the first time in 10 months and we all know how a new ‘do can help kick-start that ‘I’m a new woman and can conquer the world’ mindset. That’s the kinda vibes I need.
So whatever my current or future relationship status, I’ve decided that I won’t push my writing to the sidelines again. That’s one compromise I definitely won’t be repeating, and one thing I’ve taken away from this whole experience.
May 17 mixtape
Quote of the week
My pick of the quotes this week comes from the FitOn app Instagram page (a great resource for workout ideas by the way).
Book of the week
I recently won a book voucher (how nice is it to actually win something as a grown-up?!) so I treated myself to a selection of new reads this month. Alonement was published back in March, and it’s a concept developed by the lovely Francesca Specter. It’s all about spending quality time alone and finding fulfilment and joy from solitude.
TV show of the week
I’m a little bit obsessed with Glow Up on the BBC, dubbed as the search for Britain’s next make-up star. Radio presenter Maya Jama has taken over the reins from Stacey Dooley to host season three and the make-up artistry is amazing. It’s great for picking up beauty tips, but all I really want is to perfect my winged eyeliner…
Until next time!
Alexis 💕
www.alexisforsyth.com
Catch up on my recent issues…
Holidays abroad - the luxury we don’t need this summer
I think I’ve forgotten how to kiss
5 years single - here’s what I’ve learnt