5 years single - here's what I've learnt

Spoiler* You don't need a partner to be happy

Feb 08, 2021

I’ve been single for almost 5 years. That’s half a decade and a big chunk of my 30s spent on my own. But I’m not saying this in a ‘please pity me’ kinda way. Far from it.

Single life has plenty of wonderful and meaningful things to offer. There’s a reason why us single women are reported as being healthier and happier than our coupled-up counterparts. [#JustSaying]

With Valentine’s Day coming up this weekend, I thought this newsletter would be the perfect opportunity to shift some focus onto us unattached folk instead, because we deserve a little love from time to time, too.

So today’s musings are dedicated to my long-standing single status and waking up over the past 1,600+ days and living my life - just me, myself and I.

Here’s what I’ve learnt…

Friendships rule

I value my friendships more now that at any other time in my adult life and feel really lucky to be surrounded by such a great bunch of friends. Chatting, laughing, dining, shopping, dancing, roller skating, bottomless brunching, gaming, house partying, sightseeing, holidaying…my friends are there for all of these activities, and the not so good times as well. I’m glad that, unlike ‘girlfriend Alexis’, I no longer push them to the sidelines and I’m free to catch up with them whenever I like.

Yes: the positive domino effect

Rewind to pre-covid times and saying ‘yes’ led to new friendships, opportunities, trips, and wonderful experiences to boot. Some were even life-changing. I doubt I would have said yes quite so often if I’d still been in a relationship, as back then, I was more inclined to shy away from trying new things or taking risks. I’ve discovered that you just never know where that unexpected invitation may lead to next, personally or professionally.

Spontaneity = best stories

I love doing something on a whim, without the time to mull it over or talk myself out of it. And I certainly don’t miss having to send those ‘I’ll head home for dinner in an hour’ texts, but then not wanting to leave at said time because I’m having so much fun. My unplanned days and nights out are always the most memorable. One of my favourites from a few years ago involved going for a quiet Sunday roast with my friend, only to find her chatting to a bunch of randoms when I returned from the loo, and then going on a bar crawl with them until 10pm. We didn't even swap numbers and never saw them again…

No apology needed

Dance around my living room at 1am while glugging my fifth glass of rhubarb and ginger gin? Two-hour nap on a sunny afternoon? Pyjama-day on the sofa with the curtains closed, binging on Bridgerton for 9 hours straight and wishing I was sashaying around in a period ball gown? I don’t need to explain my little bouts of daydreaming or any of the choices I make. I can do whatever I please - and it feels pretty liberating.

Solitude is precious

I’ve learnt to enjoy being alone. Not all the time, and certainly not as much as I’ve experienced during lockdown. But in normal circumstances a regular bit of ‘me time’ is very much needed, whether it’s a bubble bath, a new book, or my failed attempts at home workouts. Being truly alone - with no people and no distractions whatsoever - really is the perfect way to unwind, work through your thoughts, and re-connect with your sense of self.

Solo sleep is bliss

I have a king-sized bed all to myself and it’s the best thing ever. I lie right in the middle, in a little cocoon of squishy pillows and a soft double layered duvet. Despite my ongoing insomnia (something I explore in more detail here) I generally sleep much better nowadays. I definitely don’t miss the snoring, the duvet stealing, or the lack of space to properly hug my covers. So much so that I think I might ask my future boyfriend-to-be to sleep in a separate bed…

Other people have hang-ups

Be honest. What crossed your mind when you read ‘5 years single’ at the top of this post? Did you think OMG, how could she be single for that long? Surely she’d have met someone by now? She must be too picky? What’s wrong with her?

I’ve come to realise that it’s other people that have these kind of hang-ups, not me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m always open to the idea of meeting someone. I mean, I write for a wedding blog in my spare time and very much believe in love and romance. As for my dating app profiles, they’re always primed and ready for swiping. But most of the time, I’m content with doing my own thing and being on my own.

Then someone else will bring it up in the conversation, usually paired with a remark on how ‘I’ll meet someone when I’m not looking’. And hey presto, I’ll feel like a glitch again, like Vanellope von Schweetz from Wreck-It Ralph - an anomaly in my world of 30-somethings because I’m still single and stuck on the starting line. But you know what? Life isn’t a race and we all reach different destinations at different times. So stop judging.

Dating is a merry-go-round

Dating can actually be a thrilling ride. I know, I know, usually I’m ranting about how much I hate it, so where’s this change of heart come from? Nope, I haven’t been on any dreamy social distanced dates or found the Geordie equivalent to Zac Efron yet, but I have been on quite a few dates over the past few years and some of them have been good fun - even without a romantic spark. Like the time I played crazy golf by the beach then tucked into fish and chips on a park bench, or when I surprised my Bumble date with tickets for a heritage tour around Newcastle aboard a bright red double-decker bus.

Of course, I can also feel bemused by it all, keen to jump off the carousel and take a break. Sometimes, I’m not interested in investing my time into getting to know someone new. Other times, I simply don’t want to open myself up to the drama or disappointment.

Feelings outside of relationships still matter

I don’t need to be a guy’s girlfriend to make my feelings count. Dating that fizzles out after a few weeks, crushes that don’t go anywhere - they still leave an imprint and they still mean something, even if my single status remains unchanged on Facebook. You don’t need a label to make something feel real; it just is.

Love comes in many guises

Love stories are everywhere - in literature, art, music, films and TV, but I’d argue that they tend to focus on romantic relationships and can leave us blindsided to the love we can feel towards other aspects of our life. I’m talking about the stuff that brings us joy, personal fulfilment and purpose, like our hobbies, families, and even our cute lil’ pets. Being single has allowed me to re-discover my love for these other things again and stop obsessing over only the romantic kind.

Self-sufficiency makes you stronger

Whether it’s managing your household bills, building furniture, or catching spiders, there’s something to be said for doing things all by yourself. I remember when I first moved into my flat and discovered there was no TV aerial. Turns out, it was my responsibility to get one installed (I thought it was the landlord’s). It sounds so trivial now, but I sat on my living room floor and burst into tears because at that moment I realised I had to do everything by myself. But five years on, I find switching energy supplier or complaining about my broken wheelie bin a breeze. Catching spiders…still not so much.

My dreams - no longer on ice, and all mine

Being single means I can be unapologetically selfish. I don’t have to prioritise any couple-made goals or cast aside my personal ambitions and dreams. I can devote my time, energy, and money into whatever I want (like this newsletter, which usually takes up my Sunday afternoons) and I don’t need to consider how my choices will impact on a guy vying for my commitment and attention.

I can be me

I think you always end up losing a little part of yourself when you swap a ‘me’ for a ‘we’. But when you’re on your own, there’s no compromises to be made, and your personality, outlook and decisions are all truly yours, without anyone else around to subtly influence them over time.

I’d say that being single has enabled me to figure my sh*t out, find my fun side again, and - most important of all - be my true self.

Hurrah to all of that.

February 8 mixtape

Quote of the week

I spotted this week’s quote on an Instagram advert, of all places! But it did its job and stopped me scrolling…for a second at least. I thought it was poignant, particularly at the moment when it feels like there’s still lots to grapple with before normality resumes on the other side of this pandemic.

Difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations.

Podcast of the week

How To Fail With Elizabeth Day has been running for a couple of years but I only stumbled across the podcast via Twitter last week. As the title suggests, it focuses on when things go wrong and how we can learn from our mistakes. There are plenty of episodes to dip into with some stellar guests, including Jameela Jamil, Nadiya Hussain, Phoebe Waller-Bridge, George Alagiah, Nigel Slater, and Marian Keyes. Go listen!